Rumination and Unanswered Questions

A good friend of mine came over yesterday...wait, that sounds so much like a journal entry I would write as a kid:

"My best friend came over. We had fun and played basketball outside. I got tired so we drank some juice."

I can't lie, the last few days were tough and even today. With the bad sleep I wrote about a few posts back, lockdown in Toronto and an unknown future always creeping into the present, it's a nice recipe for a rough mood. 

Part of being human is to experience all that being human has to offer.

I feel lost at times, not knowing what career to pursue, where to live and have trouble grasping what I even want. 

Call it first world problems but this is such a curse to have a "first world mind." Anxiety can be thought of as:

"The dizziness of freedom"

Freedom is a pretty damn scary thing. I can obviously see how being told what to do and following others can be thought of as living simply and peacefully. We've seen examples of this the past 2 years. 

Sometimes a part of me wishes for a life of pure simplicity, but you can't have simple with a true sense of freedom. 

I have quite a few options and an infinite possibility of futures to walk into. How do I know what to do? How do I know what choice to make? What if I make the wrong choice? What if I wake up in 10 years and regret the decisions I've made? How do other people just pick one thing and do it? 

This is a beautiful example of rumination and I can even get caught in the existential questions of life, death, and overall meaning of being here. I think a lot of us experienced this when isolated in lockdowns. 

So, what do I do?

What I've been practicing is called "Focusing" with my teacher. I work on my ability to hold all of these parts of myself with a felt sense of compassion towards them.

• The part of me that questions career, next steps and fears uncertainty
• The part of me that doesn't know 
• The part of me that really, really wants to know
• The part of me that doesn't feel good enough
• The part of me that wants to avoid and stay busy

With focusing meditation, I practice creating distance between all of these parts and look at them with my entire being. To hold these parts beside or in front of me and keep them there lovingly, compassionately and non-judgementally. 

This is by far the hardest kind of meditation I've practiced as my critical self is so strong and has been cultivated for so many years. 

If I identify and see only myself as someone who doesn't know and isn't enough, I lose it. I go in too deep and it's hard to find a way out. 

To keep these emotions at a distance and see them with a sense of curiosity and even humour at times, that's the practice. That's really what I've been doing this past year. 

If you've been ruminating about the future, the past and gone into a spiral of thought, that's one part of being human. 

It's hard to know what to type...

It's not easy. I know it's not. None of this is easy and everything is difficult before it gets easier. You're not alone in these funky brain games, we all go through it. Some people stay busy with work, others travel non-stop, others submerse themselves in relationships, others over exercise - everyone is on the journey and struggles with these things. 

I have my own coping skills and yeah some of them really suck. Like I just drank a coffee even though caffiene makes me feel terrible and anxious. WHYYYYYY, AHHHHH?!?!

I think it's still a superhuman achievement to survive. To get on with it. Even though the horrors are expected and the mind plays games, we decide to continue. You decide to continue. I decide to continue. 

Notice the part of you that continues. Give love to the part of you that overthinks because he/she just wants to know and have things get easier. 

Better days are ahead but while I may be in a sea that's a little rough, I'll adjust the sails the best I can and keep moving. 

Thanks for reading. 

Scott